Hello, Devoted Girls. I’m over half way through the book. Amazing things are happening as I have opened my heart to my Pursuer. I told a friend the other day, if I’d known when Jesus walks back through your wounds with you it doesn’t hurt as bad as the first time, I would have done it years ago. I think many of us have memories continuing to flash across our minds and we’re rebuking the enemy instead of realizing God is whispering, “Can I come in and heal this?” I’m excited about recognizing the ways He’s been talking to me and drawing me. I’m hearing Him speak to me throughout the day, because the things that have caused His voice to be distorted for so long are being removed.
There’s a movie where the star talks about how the man of her dreams will know her. He’ll know she always wants extra dressing and how to create the ‘perfect bite’. I can still see her (because I have it on DVD) placing each perfectly sized piece of lettuce, carrot, radish, celery, olive (or whatever) on her fork to make the ‘perfect bite’. When ‘he’ comes he tells how fascinating he finds her and how he loves the way she meticulously creates the ‘perfect bite’. This is a glimpse into God’s perspective of us. We fascinate Him. He appreciates everything about us, especially the things no one else notices. He is enamored with us-inflamed with love and captivated by our uniqueness. May you open your heart to Him today and allow Him to heal your deepest places. He is waiting for you.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Week Two
I’ve found over the years my flesh has these funny little patterns. When my life feels out of control, I can become almost obsessed with finding a new planner or at the least new pages for my old planner. I’ll go from store to store visiting the planner sections and get online and visit all the planner websites and after several days of this it will dawn on me, a new planner is not going to restore peace to my heart. When I feel a little down or unsure, I find I want a good cup of coffee (coffee flavored cream actually). I will think about coffee throughout the day for days until suddenly I realize, the smell and warmth of this coffee can’t comfort my heart. When I went to the store to look at the guided journal to go with Captivating, I visited the Bibles. I have many Bibles in several versions already, but I was sure I needed a new prettier one, maybe in pink, but they didn’t have the version I wanted in pink. I was considering going to another bookstore on the way home that day, but felt I shouldn’t so I didn’t. When I was almost home, of course, still thinking about a new cuter Bible, the Lord, my Friend, so gently said, “You don’t need another Bible.” I knew it. I felt distant, like I couldn’t quite reach Him and was sure if I had a new Bible it would make me excited about reading about Him. I tried this last year, it didn’t work too well then either, that’s why I was going for a different version with an even cuter color. Isn’t He sweet to always reveal the truth and draw us right back to Him.
A few days ago, He said to me, “I’m the Pursuer.” I thought, Ok. He really has been excavating my heart and at that point in that day, I was numb. This statement didn’t evoke any tears from me, I didn’t really feel too moved by it at all. Then He continued, “You know that guy (before my husband) that pursued you and then when you’d respond, he’d reject you (this pattern continued over and over for about a year). That was the plan of the enemy, but I won’t reject you.” Immediately it all came back, emotionless at this point, but I remembered. The longing to be desired, the devastation of rejection, and the hours of crying myself to sleep at night completely empty and completely spent and alone. I would try to worship, but nothing. I gave every gift I had, every scripture I knew, every part of my soul and he was silent, thus I felt God was silent. My conclusion, I am unlovely, unloveable and something is wrong with me at my very core. This was not the first time I had arrived at this conclusion, this just reinforced my conclusion.
As I’ve read this book, I’ve felt like God’s in the book. Just looking at the cover, I can almost hear Him saying, Stephanie, you are captivating and I am captivated with you. Over the last few days I’ve begun to understand, He wants me. Just me as me. I always thought He wanted to heal me and transform me so I could become someone else, you know the person He saw I could be, because He sees the end from the beginning, and all those other verses that have become so twisted for me. No, no, no! He wants to heal me so I can be…me. Not someone else, just me-healed. I had a gold butterfly I wore on a necklace as a little girl, it was supposed to symbolize the new birth-a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. My favorite book as a two year old was creepy caterpillar who became the most beautiful butterfly. But I saw it as I needed to become someone completely different to please Him. But it’s not true. He wants me as me and He wants you as you. This is such a relief, doesn’t it just make you want to rest. I don’t have to “try and try harder (but fail anyway)”. I used to say that would be my epitaph, but not anymore. Now it can say “She was good. She was great! She was… herself.”
A few days ago, He said to me, “I’m the Pursuer.” I thought, Ok. He really has been excavating my heart and at that point in that day, I was numb. This statement didn’t evoke any tears from me, I didn’t really feel too moved by it at all. Then He continued, “You know that guy (before my husband) that pursued you and then when you’d respond, he’d reject you (this pattern continued over and over for about a year). That was the plan of the enemy, but I won’t reject you.” Immediately it all came back, emotionless at this point, but I remembered. The longing to be desired, the devastation of rejection, and the hours of crying myself to sleep at night completely empty and completely spent and alone. I would try to worship, but nothing. I gave every gift I had, every scripture I knew, every part of my soul and he was silent, thus I felt God was silent. My conclusion, I am unlovely, unloveable and something is wrong with me at my very core. This was not the first time I had arrived at this conclusion, this just reinforced my conclusion.
As I’ve read this book, I’ve felt like God’s in the book. Just looking at the cover, I can almost hear Him saying, Stephanie, you are captivating and I am captivated with you. Over the last few days I’ve begun to understand, He wants me. Just me as me. I always thought He wanted to heal me and transform me so I could become someone else, you know the person He saw I could be, because He sees the end from the beginning, and all those other verses that have become so twisted for me. No, no, no! He wants to heal me so I can be…me. Not someone else, just me-healed. I had a gold butterfly I wore on a necklace as a little girl, it was supposed to symbolize the new birth-a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. My favorite book as a two year old was creepy caterpillar who became the most beautiful butterfly. But I saw it as I needed to become someone completely different to please Him. But it’s not true. He wants me as me and He wants you as you. This is such a relief, doesn’t it just make you want to rest. I don’t have to “try and try harder (but fail anyway)”. I used to say that would be my epitaph, but not anymore. Now it can say “She was good. She was great! She was… herself.”
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Week One...The Heart of a Woman
Hello, Devoted Girls. I hope you've all gotten your books. I must confess I haven't started my journal. It's been hard to stop reading to answer questions. I've read 3-4 chapters and keep trying to go back and reread from the beginning to answer the questions. God started excavating my heart last month and He has just continued to bring healing as I've been reading Captivating. Don't get all bogged down in the journal, the purpose is just to let Him heal you as you read and pray. Do whatever part of the journal you can. We'll finish just before Christmas and begin next year with unveiled souls. Remember, He's captivated with you and looks forward to every moment to draw you closer to Himself.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Your Invitation
As I prayed about what to do in my devotion time, my heart kept returning to the book Captivating. Once I began reading it, I didn't want to put it down. I was overjoyed about the lives of my daughters. That night as I slept I awoke at least five times because I heard someone in the room and as I awoke I heard "Captivating". I believe He came to visit me. There is a stirring in my heart about this book and living the life of a woman with an unveiled soul as the new year begins. I would love for you to join me.
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