Week Two

I’ve found over the years my flesh has these funny little patterns. When my life feels out of control, I can become almost obsessed with finding a new planner or at the least new pages for my old planner. I’ll go from store to store visiting the planner sections and get online and visit all the planner websites and after several days of this it will dawn on me, a new planner is not going to restore peace to my heart. When I feel a little down or unsure, I find I want a good cup of coffee (coffee flavored cream actually). I will think about coffee throughout the day for days until suddenly I realize, the smell and warmth of this coffee can’t comfort my heart. When I went to the store to look at the guided journal to go with Captivating, I visited the Bibles. I have many Bibles in several versions already, but I was sure I needed a new prettier one, maybe in pink, but they didn’t have the version I wanted in pink. I was considering going to another bookstore on the way home that day, but felt I shouldn’t so I didn’t. When I was almost home, of course, still thinking about a new cuter Bible, the Lord, my Friend, so gently said, “You don’t need another Bible.” I knew it. I felt distant, like I couldn’t quite reach Him and was sure if I had a new Bible it would make me excited about reading about Him. I tried this last year, it didn’t work too well then either, that’s why I was going for a different version with an even cuter color. Isn’t He sweet to always reveal the truth and draw us right back to Him.

A few days ago, He said to me, “I’m the Pursuer.” I thought, Ok. He really has been excavating my heart and at that point in that day, I was numb. This statement didn’t evoke any tears from me, I didn’t really feel too moved by it at all. Then He continued, “You know that guy (before my husband) that pursued you and then when you’d respond, he’d reject you (this pattern continued over and over for about a year). That was the plan of the enemy, but I won’t reject you.” Immediately it all came back, emotionless at this point, but I remembered. The longing to be desired, the devastation of rejection, and the hours of crying myself to sleep at night completely empty and completely spent and alone. I would try to worship, but nothing. I gave every gift I had, every scripture I knew, every part of my soul and he was silent, thus I felt God was silent. My conclusion, I am unlovely, unloveable and something is wrong with me at my very core. This was not the first time I had arrived at this conclusion, this just reinforced my conclusion.

As I’ve read this book, I’ve felt like God’s in the book. Just looking at the cover, I can almost hear Him saying, Stephanie, you are captivating and I am captivated with you. Over the last few days I’ve begun to understand, He wants me. Just me as me. I always thought He wanted to heal me and transform me so I could become someone else, you know the person He saw I could be, because He sees the end from the beginning, and all those other verses that have become so twisted for me. No, no, no! He wants to heal me so I can be…me. Not someone else, just me-healed. I had a gold butterfly I wore on a necklace as a little girl, it was supposed to symbolize the new birth-a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. My favorite book as a two year old was creepy caterpillar who became the most beautiful butterfly. But I saw it as I needed to become someone completely different to please Him. But it’s not true. He wants me as me and He wants you as you. This is such a relief, doesn’t it just make you want to rest. I don’t have to “try and try harder (but fail anyway)”. I used to say that would be my epitaph, but not anymore. Now it can say “She was good. She was great! She was… herself.”